


Pants

by NellieOleson



Category: Stargate SG-1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2012-03-29
Packaged: 2017-11-02 17:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NellieOleson/pseuds/NellieOleson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've seen the enemy and he is my pants. End of the world cliche commentfic that grew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pants

"Hurry up."  
  
Jack tripped (again) as he struggled to get out of his pants. The damn things kept getting caught on his stupid boots. _Take the boots off, dummy._ His fingers got tangled in the laces and why the hell was he taking his boots off anyway. They could do this in boots. And pants. He could anyway, and Carter was the fastest undresser he'd ever seen. She'd been standing over him for at least a full minute, naked and impatient.  
  
The sight of her (naked) combined with the wailing of the self-destruct alarms were wreaking havoc on Jack's ability to perform basic functions. He had all the grace of a three year old just learning to work a zipper. Still, if he could just... Ha! He managed to get one leg free and was beginning to get back on his feet when disaster struck.  
  
The klaxons fell silent.   
  
Disaster averted, they said. Go back to work. Do not pass third base, do not collect souvenir underwear. Carter shrugged her shoulders, looking mildly disappointed. Looking like she was just going to head back to her lab and pretend they hadn't almost had end-of-the-world sex in a deserted chimp lab that still smelled faintly of hay and primates.  
  
Jack panicked. All that work and balancing on one foot gone to waste. "Maybe next time," she said as she gathered her clothes.  
  
"What?" Next time? "But--"  
  
She cut him off. Still naked. "Look," she explained. "If we have sex now, what are we going to do when the world actually does end?"  
  
Carter put her clothes on even faster than she'd removed them. Jack didn't have time to come up with a reasonable argument for why they should still be having sex when it seemed they were going to live to see another day. He wasn't sure how much time that would take, but the twenty-six seconds she afforded him with were not enough.  
  
"Can't we just pretend?" He yelled at her departing back.   
  
  
  
  
****  
  
  
There was no disguising the distinctive ripping sound as he undid his pants. But who cared about that anyway? The world was ending (again) and Jack was prepared this time. He was getting some last-minute sex with Carter. Because he'd been smart and resourceful. He'd planned ahead like a good soldier.  
  
Sadly, his ingenuity was more distracting to Carter than he'd planned for. She dropped her t-shirt on the floor and stared at his groin in a way that made him uncomfortable. She reached out and grabbed the fabric so she could examine it. Jack felt his apocasex slipping away.   
  
"Velcro? Where did you get Velcro pants?"  
  
His quick-release pants fell to his knees and he started taking his shirt off. Carter was almost as bad as Daniel with her propensity for going off on tangents at the worst time. "I made them."  
  
"You've been wearing Velcro pants since--"  
  
"Yes." He tapped his fingers on the utility shelf at his side. Waiting for her to get over her fascination with his pants. "I have."  
  
"Wow. That's...dedication, I guess."  
  
"Can we stop talking now?"  
  
"Right. I'm sorry." She reached behind her back to undo her bra and Jack was too enthralled to remember to ask if she wanted help. "It's just- I mean, Velcro? Didn't you get weird looks in the men's room?"  
  
He did, in fact, get weird looks in the men's room. But he hadn't cared, because fuck them and their smug looks. Their buttons weren't going to do them any good in a pants-removing emergency. "Carter!"  
  
Too late. The damn self-destruct shut off mid yelp and General Hammond's voice came over the comm system to deliver the good (to everyone else) news. False alarm, he said. Glitch in the tracking system. No fleet of Goa'uld motherships circling Earth. Now back to your regular programming.  
  
Jack wanted to cry. Carter patted him on the cheek. Next time, the pat implied. Next time.  
  
Elastic, Jack decided. That's what he needed. Something he could just pull down. No fasteners, no noise, just some good old fast and silent elastic pants.  
  
  
  
*******  
  
The elastic pants didn't pan out. They bunched up in the back, it was unacceptably unflattering to his ass and that just wouldn't do. In a blinding flash of inspiration, he'd found an alternative. A wonderfully brilliant alternative if he did say so himself. He had the fastest pants in the West by-golly and he meant to put them to good use.   
  
Someday.  
  
He thought he'd have a hard time finding them in the right colors, the right patterns, the right cargo pocket configuration, but he'd been wrong. Who knew there was such a demand for authenticity in these things? Not him. So, in less than an hour, and with the help of his good friend Google, he'd found, ordered and paid for them. They'd arrived, as he'd been assured, in a plain, brown package that all the neighbors probably assumed contained porn and sex toys. He was lucky he'd quit worrying about what the neighbors (or mailman) thought of him years ago.  
  
So, there he was, waiting for someday. It would be glorious.   
  
Today, Friday, September 12th, would not be that someday. No glory for Jack O'Neill on that ill-fated Friday afternoon as he waited to depart to planets unknown. No, that Friday would be full of the complete opposite of pants-removing glory.   
  
Secret stripper-pants string that gets caught on a passing Marine's ruck-sack is what that Friday held in store for Jack O'Neill.  
  
In hindsight, Jack decided he'd been lucky to have gone as long as he did without incident. The pants were on a hair trigger, especially the green ones.  
  
And so, there he stood, in the middle of the gate room, watching his pants walk off with the Marine who'd made the mistake of walking a little too close to Jack. Wonderful. Daniel laughed out loud because he didn't have the good sense to pretend that he hadn't just seen what he'd seen. Teal'c eyed Jack's Spongebob boxers, no doubt wondering where he could get a pair of his own.  
  
And Carter.  
  
Well, Carter was smart enough to understand exactly why Jack's pants had flown off his body like a bad magic trick. She turned a lovely shade of red and walked out of the room. Yes, there would be rumors. Lots of rumors.  
  
Jack was willing to bet not a single one of them would be anywhere close to the truth.  
  
  
*******  
  
  
Carter didn't talk to him for a solid week after the Pants Incident. It made for some awkward briefings and sympathetic looks from Hammond. Sympathetic toward her, of course. There was no sympathy for Jack. It wasn't fair. If they only knew the truth, then they'd feel sorry for him.  
  
Damn pants.   
  
He was sitting around in his underwear, minding his own business and wondering if he could get Hammond to change the dress code to exclude pants, when his doorbell rang. It was late, too late for any random stranger to be at his door. He squinted and peered out the peephole because pants were his enemy and he wasn't going to put them on unless he absolutely had to.  
  
The back of Carter's blond head came into focus. What the hell was she looking at?  Jack opened the door. With the Pants Incident so fresh in her mind, she'd probably be sad that he was in his underwear. Or mad--possibly homicidal. Jack was willing to take the risk.   
  
She turned around and her eyebrows went up as her gaze went down. "Do you always answer the door half-naked?" she said.  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." She walked in, unafraid of his underwear. "It keeps the Jehovah's witnesses away."  
  
She stood just inside the door, chewing on her lip and thinking important thoughts. Jack could tell they were important. He'd spent a lot of time watching her think. "Look," she said just as Jack was about to poke her in the arm to see if she was okay. "I think we should have sex."  
  
Well, that was unexpected. In a good way. A very good way. Jack didn't bother questioning her motives or her timing, or even her mental well-being. "Yes," he said. "I think so too."  
  
And with that, she threw her arms around his neck and forced him to kiss her. Then she dragged him back to his bedroom and stole all of his clothes. After that, she made him sit and watch while she took off all of her own clothes. She was a lot slower about it than she'd been when the world was ending.   
  
And then, well then she made him do some other stuff that he'd been dreaming about doing long before any of the pants incidents.


End file.
